and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
