i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
