Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize