Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
