Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
