I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize