You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
