New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
