Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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