What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
