at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize