She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
