You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
