I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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