connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
