i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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