I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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