not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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