Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
