i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
