I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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