I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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