im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
