Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
