Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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