Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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