dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
