Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
