Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
