We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
