Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
