you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
