Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
