She's JV to your varsity
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
