I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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