Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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