Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Randomize
