You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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