yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
