She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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