it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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