I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Is her dick bigger than yours?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
