Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
