I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
