My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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