I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
