Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
