I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
