I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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