Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
