So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
