I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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