I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
