DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
