hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
