if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
