sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
