hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
