It's like God shit irony all over that family
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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