Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
