Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
