I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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